I used to be a yes person.  A friend asked me to make loose covers for her entire lounge suite.  I didn’t want to do it but I didn’t know how to say no.  It took me weeks and weeks.  Six seats with two cushions per seat plus piping and zips.  It was a massive job and I really resented doing it. It can be really difficult sometimes to say no to people.  As women we are conditioned to be pleasant and sometimes pliable and I think this has come to mean that we are a softer touch or a bit more of a pushover.  As someone with a chronic health condition it can also be difficult to stand up for yourself because you feel like you need to be so reliant on others a lot of the time.  Saying no when someone asks you for something that you have the ability to do then seems sometimes to be churlish.  But saying no to people is an integral part not just of being in business but of being a grown up.  It is perfectly okay to say to no to requests from clients, staff, family members and even friends.  It doesn’t have to be unpleasant but if you have struggled with it in the past it can be hard to start.  But start you must.  

Many years ago a family member asked if their relatives could stay with my husband and I.  It was not a good time (we already had visitors from out of town) but I didn't know how to say no without sounding rude.  It was a disaster.  The overcrowding and tension was really uncomfortable and they stayed way too long.  I vowed not to do it again.  A few months later I was asked again and I firmly but nicely said no.  It wasn't convenient for us to host visitors.  And thats when the bullying started.  I realised that having said no this person, they continued to badger me to try to get me to change my mind.  They didn't care about me or whether it was a suitable time, only about getting what they wanted.  I was reminded of this a few years later when I was watching an old Oprah show and one of the guests said if you tell someone No and they continue to try and convince you then they are trying to control you.  If they say anything but Okay, thanks anyway after you have said no then they’re trying to manipulate you.  Saying no that first time was incredibly hard.  I agonised that I was not a nice person, that we did have a spare room after all but I knew deep down that it was the right decision.  We both work from home so having a certain amount of calm is important not just for our own piece of mind but for our work life and business.

What did happen is that I got better fast at saying no.  Kindly but firmly.  I don’t need to explain my decision or justify it.  Sometimes I will but I don’t feel any obligation to.  I am also much more attuned generally when people are trying to be controlling in other ways.  I’m much more comfortable speaking up if I’m not happy about something or I feel like someone is trying to take advantage of my good nature.  Being able to say no to situations that don’t work for you for whatever reason allows you to create the boundaries you need not just to survive but to thrive.  

Till next time,

Sarah-Jane

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